South Park script - Darth Blindsense
by RevolutionMan
Summary: South Park Elementary welcomes a new student; Regis Cohen, a blind child with a vicious seeing eye dog from hell named Darth. When the dog mauls Kenny half to death, world renown blind doctors Dr. Mouse, Dr. Mouse, and Dr. Mouse arrive in South Park in a race against time to save his life. Special Guests: Anderson Cooper, Jenny McCarthy.
1. Chapter 1

"DARTH BLINDSENSE"

ACT ONE

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY – DAY

Establishing shot. The school bell rings.

INT. CLASSROOM

Mr. Garrison enters as the students take their seats.

**MR. GARRISON**  
**Quiet, everyone, teacher has a bulldog of a hangover. Quiet, please. SHUT YOUR GODDAMN MOUTHS!**

Everyone quiets.

**MR. GARRISON**  
**Thank you. Now, in just a minute, we're going to welcome in a new student to our class, but Principal Victoria wanted me to talk to you a little first to prepare you for what you can expect.**

**KYLE**  
**(to Stan)**  
**Dude, is it just me, or do we get a lot of new kids?**

**STAN**  
**Yeah, and they never seem to hang around very long for whatever reason.**

**KYLE**  
**I know.**

**MR. GARRISON**  
**His name is Regis Cohen and he's blind.**

Butters raises his hand.

**MR. GARRISON**  
**Yes, Butters?**

**BUTTERS**  
**How did he go blind?**

**MR. GARRISON**  
**Well, that depends. According to his doctors, he was born with a congenital abnormality known as micropthalmos due to a problem with his chromosomes. But the state of Colorado legally requires that I also teach you the Church's explanation that a vengeful god sought to punish his unwed mother by having her give birth to a defective bastard child who would forever be a burden to her.**

**BUTTERS**  
**Oh.**

**MR. GARRISON**  
**Now, because he's blind, we're going to need to be accommodating and understanding, Eric, due to Regis's specific disability, Eric Cartman.**

**CARTMAN**  
**Yeah, yeah, the longer we draw this out, the worse it's gonna get.**

Tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap.

All attention turns to the walking stick that taps its way across the floor at the front of the classroom, followed closely by a giant seeing eye demon beast from hell on steroids. Regis himself wears a backpack. His eyes are small and the pupils point in obscenely opposite directions. He stops when he slaps the shit out of Garrison's leg with his walking stick.

**MR. GARRISON**  
**Ow! O-ok, Regis. Say hi to Regis, everyone. And also say hi to Regis's seeing eye dog, Darth.**

Regis turns and waves. Darth snorts.

**EVERYONE**  
**(tentative)**  
**Hi.**

**CARTMAN**  
**Dude, that is not a seeing eye dog. That is fucking Vince Clortho.**

**MR. GARRISON**  
**Eric, watch your language. It is not Vince Clortho, the demon dog from Ghostbusters.**

**CARTMAN**  
**Yes, it is. It's Vince Clortho, the key master, which means Sigourney Weaver is not far behind, and when she gets here, they're going to have demon sex and issue in the coming of Gozer.**

**MR. GARRISON**  
**Okay, Regis, you can go and have a seat. There's an empty desk right in the front next to Eric. Do you need help finding it?**

Regis smacks Garrison in the shin with his walking stick.

**MR. GARRISON**  
**Ah, dammit.**

**REGIS**  
**No, thank you, Darth will help me find it.**

Darth leads Regis over. Regis searches for the desk by swinging his walking stick wildly. He smacks Kyle in the shin.

**KYLE**  
**Ow!**

He smacks Cartman across the face.

**CARTMAN**  
**Hey, kid, that fuckin' hurt, ya asshole!**

Darth growls. Cartman cowers.

**CARTMAN**  
**But, it's cool, bro. It's cool.**

Regis finds the desk and climbs up.

**MR. GARRISON**  
**All right. So, picking up from where we left off yesterday...**

Regis straight up smacks Cartman in the face with his walking stick.

**CARTMAN**  
**Ow!**

**MR. GARRISON**  
**Eric, what the hell is it now?**

**CARTMAN**  
**This turd bomber just-**

Darth growls.

**CARTMAN**  
**(terrified)**  
**Just... he... ugh, nothing.**

EXT. PLAYGROUND – DAY

Recess. Regis plays on the swings. Darth stands by, guarding him.

All the way on the other side of the playground, every other kid stands huddled together, staring at Darth.

**CARTMAN**  
**Oh, my god!**

Everyone jumps.

**KYLE**  
**What? What is it?**

**CARTMAN**  
**Over there in the bushes, you guys. I think I just saw Sigourney Weaver.**

**STAN**  
**Dammit, Cartman, that was just the wind.**

**CARTMAN  
Oooh, my god! Over there, you guys. This time, I definitely saw Sigourney Weaver.**

**KYLE**  
**That's a squirrel.**

A squirrel pokes its head out of a tree.

INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE

Principal Victoria peers out the window at the playground. She notices that the other children are giving Regis a wide berth.

**PRINCIPAL VICTORIA**  
**Oh, dear. The other children really are keeping their distance.**

She turns to face Mr. Mackey, the guidance counselor, and Mr. Patton, a blind man who carries a walking stick and wears big sunglasses.

**PATTON**  
**I wish I could say I was surprised, but we at the American Council for the Blind have seen this, metaphorically speaking, far too many times before. Blind children are frequently shunned and ostracized when entering school environments where the students haven't been properly educated with respect to interacting with the physically disabled.**

**MACKEY**  
**Mr. Patton, with all due respect, we do have other, um, handicapped students in the school, mmkay? There's Jimmy Valmer and Timmy Burch, and they aren't ostracized at all.**

Patton turns in Mackey's direction and swats him insanely hard in the shin with his walking stick.

**PATTON**  
**Are you calling me a retard, sir?**

**MACKEY**  
**Ow! What? No.**

**PATTON**  
**Because blind people are nothing like that floating head on wheels retard or that deformed, stuttering, crippled little mutant fetus.**

**PRINCIPAL VICTORIA**  
**Mr. Patton!**

**PATTON**  
**What?!**

He turns and smacks her with his walking stick.

**PRINCIPAL VICTORIA**  
**Ow! If you could, please, refrain from talking like that about our students.**

**PATTON**  
**This is exactly what I'm talking about. I see this, metaphorically speaking, everywhere I go, in schools cross America. Retards and cripples get special treatment, but blind children just get thrown to the wolves to have to fend for themselves.**

EXT. PLAYGROUND

Kenny gets fed up.

**KENNY**  
**Thnn hn hnmin hm-hm-hnnun.**

Kyle stops Kenny from marching over to the swings.

**KYLE**  
**Dude, are you nuts? That kid's dog will rip you to shreds.**

Inspirational music plays, like the kind that would play during one of the boys' "I learned something today" speeches.

**KENNY**  
**Hn! Nnhm-hm, hnm nnmmhm hmmnh nmnn hhmhh hn. Nhmmmn nhhm nmmhn nhnhn nhm hnmmnh. Nmmnh nmnh nhmmnh nmmn nhhn.**

**STAN**  
**Wow, you guys. Kenny's right. We shouldn't be afraid. I mean, this is our playground. And I'm sure the school wouldn't let that dog in here if they knew it was dangerous.**

**BUTTERS**  
**Yeah, Kenny's right.**

**KYLE**  
**Thanks for showing us all how silly we were being Kenny.**

**JIMMY**  
**I feel like such a d-d-d-dick.**

**WENDY**  
**Yeah, Kenny, thanks for setting us all straight.**

**KENNY**  
**Hnnnhm, nnhmm nhmn nhnn!**

Kenny raises his arm triumphantly in the air, turns, and marches toward the swings to lead them all to the playground. No one follows him.

**CARTMAN**  
**Nice knowing ya, Kenny.**

Kenny marches over to the swings. Darth growls.

**KENNY**  
**Hnn, nhm. Hmmn nh nhmn nhn nmm?**

Regis swings some more.

**KENNY**  
**Hmmn nh nhmn nhn nmm?**

**REGIS**  
**I'm not deaf! I'm blind! I heard you the first time. You want to swing? Swing. I don't care.**

**KENNY**  
**Uhn huh. Hnn hnnm, hn-?**

Kenny turns around, notices that all his friends are still huddled together at the other side of the playground.

**KENNY**  
**Hn, **** hnn mnnh.**

Kenny gives them all the finger.

**CARTMAN**  
**(far away)**  
**Doin' great, Ken!**

Kenny approaches one of the open swings. Darth growls more. Kenny approaches more slowly, gets on, pushes off. Swings once. Twice...

INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE

Outside the window, we see Darth viciously attack Kenny on the swings. The other children scream in terror as Kenny is mauled. Blood flies everywhere. Inside, we can't hear the commotion due to Mr. Patton's crazed ranting.

**PATTON**  
**The blind are people, too. And you have absolutely no idea how difficult it can be to live your life without the ability to see. Imagine your entire life lived in total, utter, blackness. You have to rely almost totally on the compassion of others and then those same people treat you like you're a god damn retard!**

**PRINCIPAL VICTORIA**  
**Mr. Patton, I...**

Darth shreds Kenny some more, then throws the boy's mangled body through the Principal's window. Kenny's bloodied body lies motionless on the ground as his Counselor and Principal are horrified.

**MACKEY**  
**Oh, my god!**

Patton wacks at Kenny's mangled body with his walking stick.

**PATTON**  
**What? What is it? I can't see.**

He whacks Kenny's body a few more times.

EXT. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL – DAY

Establishing shot.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM

Kenny's entire body is wrapped in bandages as he lays motionless in bed. Machines keep him alive. His friends wait at his bedside as his parents, Carol and Stuart, cry. Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey are also there.

**CAROL**  
**Oh, my little Kenny. How could this have happened?**

**STUART**  
**Principal Victoria, I am holding you personally responsible. We are going to sue the school system for this.**

**PRINCIPAL VICTORIA**  
**Mr. McCormick, I assure you, I had no idea that dog was dangerous, and...**

Dr. Gouache enters with a nurse. He looks at Kenny's chart.

**DR. GOUACHE**  
**Mr. and Mrs. McCormick, I'm afraid your son is in a coma. He suffered severe blood loss due to bite and claw lacerations on most of his body. If he lives, it's highly likely he won't ever be the same again.**

Tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap.

The door explodes open. It's Mr. Patton and a team of three blind doctors, all with walking sticks and wearing sunglasses.

**PATTON**  
**Is this Kenny McCormick's room?**

**DR. GOUACHE**  
**Yes.**

**PATTON**  
**Good. We made it just in time. We would have been here sooner, but we went to the wrong room and floor and building.**

Patton and the three blind doctors use their walking sticks to cross the room. They reach Dr. Gouache and take turns smacking him with their walking sticks.

**DR. GOUACHE**  
**Ow! Just in time for what? Ow! Who are you people?**

**DR. MOUSE 1**  
**I'm Dr. Mouse. This is my colleague, Dr. Mouse, and this is my other colleague, Dr. Mouse.**

**PATTON**  
**These doctors are the best blind doctors in the country. If there's anything that can be done for this boy, they'll figure it out.**

Stan, Kyle, and Cartman exchange confused glances. So do Mackey and Principl Victoria.

**STAN**  
**Blind doctors?**

Dr. Mouse 1 holds out his hand.

**DR. MOUSE 1**  
**Let me see that boy's chart.**

**DR. GOUACHE**  
**Um, I don't think...**

**DR. MOUSE 2**  
**Dammit, man, this isn't the time to get territorial. A boy's life is at stake. Just let him see the damn chart!**

Dr. Gouache hands Dr. Mouse 1 the chart. He and the other blind doctors look it over.

**DR. MOUSE 1**  
**Mhhm, mhhm, I see.**

**DR. MOUSE 3**  
**I see.**

**DR. MOUSE 2**  
**I see, too.**

**DR. MOUSE 1**  
**I need to see the boy.**

**DR. GOUACHE**  
**Well, I'm not sure there's anything I can do about that.**

**DR. MOUSE 1**  
**He's here, isn't he?**

**DR. GOUACHE**  
**Yes, but, you're blind.**

A pause. Mr. Patton uses his walking stick to move closer. He smacks Dr. Gouache in the shin with it.

**PATTON**  
**Are you calling Dr. Mouse retarded?**

**DR. GOUACHE**  
**What? No, I just mean...**

**PATTON**  
**Oh, so it's just that blind people can't be doctors? Blind people are just too retarded to be doctors? I see, metaphorically speaking, what's going on here. I've seen it, metaphorically speaking, a thousand times before. You people who can see think you're the only ones who can be doctors, but you don't know what it's like to be born in utter blackness. To have to overcome that darkness, to rise above it, and to hone your other-**

**KYLE**  
**Oh, Jesus Christ, can you assholes help Kenny or not?**

Dr. Gouache turns to Kenny's parents.

**DR. GOUACHE**  
**It's up to you.**

**CAROL**  
**(to Stuart)**  
**What do you think?**

**STUART**  
**(to Dr. Gouache)**  
**Let them try, Doctor. Let them try.**

Dr. Gouache backs away from Kenny's bed.

**DR. GOUACHE**  
**Okay, against my better judgment. You can examine Kenny.**

The three blind doctors move towards the bed with their walking sticks, swatting away at people and smashing into things. They reach Kenny's bed and beat Kenny a little with their sticks. They then proceed to feel him up.

**DR. MOUSE 1**  
**I see.**

**DR. MOUSE 2**  
**I see.**

**DR. MOUSE 3**  
**Yes, I absolutely see, too.**

**DR. MOUSE 1**  
**Well, it's obvious to see what's happened here. This boy has had an allergic reaction.**

**STAN**  
**No, he didn't. He was attacked by that Regis kid's dog.**

**DR. MOUSE 2**  
**No, we can clearly see that there are notable skin deformities all along his body.**

Dr. Mouse 3 touches Kenny, then sniffs him, then licks him.

**CARTMAN**  
**Dude, that is messed up.**

**DR. MOUSE 3**  
**Just as I thought. There appear to be traces of animal saliva and fur.**

**KYLE**  
**Yeah, because that kid's dog tried to eat him. Kenny's whole head was in his mouth.  
**

**PATTON**  
**That's impossible, boys. You see, seeing eye dogs are carefully trained from when they're puppies to be non-violent. They don't attack humans under any circumstances.**

**CARTMAN**  
**This one did.**

**MR. PATTON**  
**Nope, not possible.**

**STAN**  
**It is possible. We all saw it!**

**PATTON**  
**Are you sure you saw what you think you saw?**

**KYLE**  
**Yes.**

**DR. MOUSE 1**  
**The eyes can be fooled, boys. Luckily, since we're blind, our other senses are heightened to near super human abilities. This gives us a keen sense that other people just don't have. That's how we know, this was no animal attack. This was a simple allergic reaction to dog hair and saliva and claws and teeth. I prescribe antihistamines, prednisone, and plenty of bed rest, and he should be just fine.**

**PATTON**  
**Brilliant, Dr. Mouse! Once again, you've managed to see, metaphorically speaking, what other more conventional doctors just couldn't. You, too, Dr. Mouse, Dr. Mouse. Thank you all so much for coming.**

The three blind doctors bump into each other, knock things over, and smack people with their walking sticks as they exit the room. Dr. Mouse 3 is the only doctor to miss smacking Cartman on his way out and he actually goes back into the room to smack him before leaving for good.

**CARTMAN**  
**Ow! Screw you, guy!**

**STAN  
There is no way I'm going to school tomorrow if that thing is gonna be there.**

**KYLE  
Me neither.  
**Mackey and Principal Victoria look nervous.

To be continued... (If you're lucky)


	2. Chapter 2

EXT. MARSH HOUSE – THE NEXT MORNING

Establishing shot. The sun rises in the east.

INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY

At the top of the stairs, Stan, in his pajamas and carrying a box of corn flakes, checks the hallway then races to his room when he sees that it's clear.

INT. STAN'S BEDROOM

He closes the door, then steps over to his nightstand and pulls from the drawer a spray bottle of water. He sprays his clothes, face, and hair. He then pulls out a jar of vaseline and uses his finger to stuff gobs of it up his nose. Finally, he stuffs as many corn flakes in his mouth as possible, chews, then spits out the chum in his garbage can. He hides the box of corn flakes and crawls into bed.

**SHARON (O.S.)**  
**Stanley? Time to get up for school.**

Stan fake moans in bed. Sharon opens the door, notices Stan in bed.

**SHARON**  
**Stan, honey? Are you all right?**

**STAN**  
**I don't feel so good.**

She walks over to the bed and feels Stan's forehead.

**SHARON**  
**You don't feel like you have a fever.**

**STAN**  
**I threw up in the garbage. I don't think I can go to school.**

**SHARON**  
**I'd better get the thermometer.**

Sharon exits.

CUT TO:

INT. KYLE'S BEDROOM

Kyle, also faking, lies in bed. Sheila walks in with a thermometer.

**SHEILA**  
**Okay, booby, I have the thermometer. Let's take your temperature.**

Kyle opens his mouth and she places it under his tongue. She grabs his garbage can.

**SHEILA**  
**Let me just take this out of here.**

She takes it to the door where she finds Gerald in the hallway.

**SHEILA**  
**Can you clean this? Kyle threw up.**

**GERALD**  
**Oh, that's disgusting.**

**SHEILA**  
**It's vomit, Gerald, it's supposed to be disgusting.**

As she does this, Kyle takes the thermometer and places it next to the lamp lightbulb to heat it up. He watches her and pulls it back just before she turns around. When he puts it back in his mouth, he burns himself and it's all he can do not to scream.

**SHEILA**  
**Okay, booby, let's see about that temperature.**

She takes the thermometer from Kyle and reads it.

**SHEILA**  
**One hundred and four? Oh, my goodness, my poor little Kyle! We have to get you to the doctor right away.**

**KYLE**  
**The doctor?**

**SHEILA**  
**Gerald? Gerald?! Kyle has a hundred and four fever. Call the doctor. We need to take him right away. And then call the school and tell them Kyle won't be in today.**

She gets some clothes for him.

**KYLE**  
**Mom, ya know, I think it's probably just a cold. I'm sure if I just rest, I'll feel-**

**SHEILA**  
**Oh, no, it could be the flu, or worse. You were at that hospital, visiting your friend. You could have MRSA! We need to get you to the doctor right away.**

INT. WAITING ROOM - SOUTH PARK PEDIATRICS

The office is jam-packed with Garrison's students and their frantic parents. It's standing room only. Liane Cartman drags Eric through the crowd up to the front desk, where the Nurse is clearly overwhelmed.

**NURSE**  
**If you could just sign the paper to check in, and have a seat, the doctor-**

**LIANE**  
**Please, my little poopykins has a terrible fever, and he threw up.**

**NURSE**  
**Does he attend South Park Elementary?**

**LIANE**  
**Yes.**

**NURSE**  
**Okay, ma'am, if you could please just sign the paper, and the doctor will see him as soon as possible.**

The nurse closes the window for some separation from the mob of concerned parents. She leaves the front desk to go to...

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE – SOUTH PARK PEDIATRICS

The doctor's office is a mess. He looks overwhelmed. His hair is a mess and his clothes are unkempt. He studies some test results.

**PEDIATRICIAN**  
**Nothing.**

The Nurse enters.

**NURSE**  
**Doctor, another three boys were just brought in by their parents, all with the same symptoms; fever, vomiting, night sweats. They're all from South Park Elementary, too.**

**PEDIATRICIAN**  
**I just don't understand it. I've examined three boys already and I can't find anything wrong with them. Their parents say they had high fevers, but now they don't. No swelling in their throats. No sensitivity to stomach palpation. All their vitals are strong. If I didn't know any better, I'd say they were faking. But there's so many of them complaining of the same symptoms. It must be something we've never seen before. Some new kind of super-virus, perhaps.**

INT. WAITING ROOM

Liane takes Eric to the back, where Sharon and Sheila sit with Stan and Kyle respectively.

**STAN**  
**(to Cartman)**  
**Dude, you were right, it totally worked.**

**CARTMAN**  
**It's the corn flake vomit that really sells it. I've been faking sick days since preschool.**

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE

**NURSE**  
**What are we going to do, doctor?**

**PEDIATRICIAN**  
**It's clear we have an epidemic on our hands. We're not equipped to deal with that here. Call the hospital and make arrangements to have them all admitted at once. And have them get a HAZMAT team down to the school. If this outbreak started there, we need to quarantine the entire building.**

INT. CLASSROOM

Mr. Garrison enters and heads straight for his desk.

**GARRISON**  
**Okay, everyone, quiet down, please. Let's everyone take our seats.**

Garrison turns around and is shocked to find that the only child to make it in to class today is Regis, with his seeing hell-hound Darth. All of the other desks are empty.

**GARRISON**  
**What the hell? Where is everybody?**

Garrison hears a siren. He looks out the window.

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY

HAZMAT and police vehicles surround the school. Military helicopters lower a plastic bio-cage over the building.

**HAZMAT LEADER**  
**All right, I want a fifty foot perimeter, minimum. Nobody moves in or out of the school. Containment is the objective. We're going to have a lot of concerned parents on our hands. We need to keep them back.**

The intercom makes a noise.

**PRINCIPAL VICTORIA (V.O.)**  
**Attention, everyone. The school has been placed under quarantine by order of the Governor.**

**GARRISON**  
**Quarantine?**

**PRINCIPAL VICTORIA (V.O.)**  
**Teachers are instructed to please escort your students to the auditorium for an assembly and further instructions.**

**GARRISON**  
**Okay, class, you heard the-**

Garrison turns around and sees Regis being completely mauled to death by his seeing eye dog, Darth.

**GARRISON**  
**Jesus Christ!**

Darth rips Regis's head off. Blood gushes from the boy's neck. The dog then turns its attention on Garrison, who hauls ass out of the classroom.

INT. HALLWAY – SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY

There's mass panic as other teachers do their best to herd the students that did come in today into the auditorium. Garrison runs out of his classroom screaming.

**GARRISON**  
**Help, it's loose. It's like a god damn bear! It killed Regis and now it's coming after me. Help!**

Two of the other teachers look at each other in disbelief.

**OLD TEACHER**  
**A bear loose in his classroom?**

Darth explodes out of the classroom and into the hallway, knocking the old teacher over. It hauls ass after Garrison.

TELEVISION REPORT – CNNN NEWS TITLE CARD

**ANNOUNCER (V.O.)**  
**This is a CNNNN Breaking News Story.**

Anderson Cooper reports from the news desk. A picture of South Park Elementary with the word "Quarantined" stamped over it appears above his right shoulder.

**ANDERSON COOPER**  
**Good morning, everyone. Terrifying news today of a story that is frankly hard to believe, as we receive word of some sort of outbreak at an elementary school in South Park, a small town in Colorado. We go live to the scene where CNNNNNNN news is the first to have a reporter on site.**

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY

With the quarantined school in the background, we hear rapidly approaching footsteps. Anderson Cooper himself runs on screen.

**ANDERSON COOPER**  
**(out of breath)**  
**Thank you, Anderson. Anderson Cooper, here, live outside South Park Elementary, where federal and local officials have setup a quarantine. Now, we don't actually know what the quarantine is for, but I spoke to local authorities and they told me to quote "go fuck yourself" unquote. That is a direct quote. So, we can only assume that everyone inside the building is dead.**

Anderson touches his earpiece.

**ANDERSON COOPER**  
**Okay, this just in. Even more breaking news. CNNNNNNNNNN has exclusively learned that several children, possibly as many as two hundred, we have no idea, so we're just reporting it, have been taken to a local hospital. Do we have someone? Yes, we have someone there now.**

EXT. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL

A smattering of ambulances, police and HAZMAT vehicles are parked outside of the hospital. We again hear approaching footsteps. Anderson Cooper runs on screen.

**ANDERSON COOPER**  
**(gasping for air)**  
**Thank you... Anderson. Anderson Cooper, here, live outside Hell's Pass Hospital in small town South Park, Colorado, where as many as nine thousand elementary school students have possibly been brought to the hospital, we just don't know. We've received absolutely no word from anyone about what's going on, but we are ready to release a photo of someone we believe to be involved in the initial outbreak of some sort of disease or possibly a fire. We just don't know.**

A picture flashes on the screen of Kenny's brother, Kevin McCormick.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM

Half of Mr. Garrison's 4th grade class, including Stan, Kyle, Wendy, and Butters, stare out the window at the HAZMAT and news trucks that keep pulling up. The students all wear hospital gowns.

**STAN**  
**Guys, I'm starting to think we maybe overplayed our hand a little on this one.**

**BUTTERS**  
**Is that Anderson Cooper? Oh, I love Anderson Cooper. Hi, Anderson!**

Butters waves.

**CLYDE (O.S.)**  
**Hey, it's our school.**

**KYLE**  
**What?**

The boys turn around and look at the television. On the television, they keep showing the same three angles of the school from a helicopter camera.

**KYLE**  
**That ****_is_**** our school.**

Cartman's in bed, eating jell-o with the remote control in his hands. He clicks through to different channels, but they all show the same thing.

**CARTMAN**  
**Yeah, but they just keep showing the same three shots over and over. It's really boring. Dammit, Price is Right should be on.**

**KYLE**  
**Boring? Don't you see what you've done? You taught us all how to fake being sick and now they think South Park's been hit by some sort of plague.**

**CARTMAN**  
**Some of my best work, if I do say so myself.**

**STAN**  
**Best work? It's a national news story. They sent Anderson Cooper, for Christ's sake. When they find out we're all faking...**

**CARTMAN**  
**Find out? And who the hell's gonna tell them?**

**WENDY**  
**We don't have to tell them. They're going to examine us.**

**CARTMAN**  
**So what? Let them examine me. I've been faking being sick since preschool. I've gotten out of school, assemblies, soccer practice. I've fooled my mom, the school nurse, the pediatrician. Now, they want to throw a specialist at me? Fine. I've been working toward this my whole life. I will shit my pants. I will stick my finger down my throat and throw up all over myself. This is the big time, now, boys and girls. They want to see sick? I will show them sick.**

**KYLE**  
**How does that help us?**

**CARTMAN**  
**Help you?**

**KYLE**  
**Yeah.**

**CARTMAN**  
**I don't follow.**

**KYLE**  
**Ugh.**

**BUTTERS**  
**(cries)**  
**Oh, I don't wanna go to jaaaaaail.**

**STAN**  
**We're not going to jail, Butters. Just calm down. Just relax. Just let me think. There's gotta be a way out of this.**

Tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap.

The doors to the room burst open. The three blind doctors enter.

**DR. MOUSE 1**  
**Children? Children, are you in here? We can't see.**

**STAN**  
**Uh, yeah.**

**DR. MOUSE 2**  
**Good. We're the specialists. I'm Dr. Mouse. This is my colleague, Dr. Mouse, and this is my other colleague, Dr. Mouse.**

**KYLE**  
**We know who you are.**

**DR. MOUSE 3**  
**Then we can dispense with the pleasantries. I hate pleasantries.**

The three blind doctors cross the room, smacking every child they can reach with their walking sticks.

**DR. MOUSE 1**  
**Which one of you is Eric Cartman?**

Cartman, like a hero, puts aside his jell-o and sits up in bed.

**CARTMAN**  
**I... am Eric Cartman.**

**DR. MOUSE 2**  
**We need to examine you. Please get on the bed.**

Cartman blinks twice.

**CARTMAN**  
**I'm already in the bed.**

**DR. MOUSE 3**  
**I see. Now, we're going to examine you.**

They put their hands all over Cartman. The other children watch, nervous.

**CARTMAN**  
**Heh, that tickles.**

**DR. MOUSE 2**  
**Hm. I see.**

**DR. MOUSE 1**  
**Yes, I can't seem to find anything wrong with him.**

**DR. MOUSE 3**  
**I see that.**

Sensing the time is right, Cartman pulls down his pants and shits all over Dr. Mouse 1. The three blind doctors stop touching him. Eric's classmates look on in horror.

Dr. Mouse 1 tastes some of the shit. Dr. Mouse 2 and Dr. Mouse 3 also lick some of the poop.

**KYLE**  
**Dude.**

**BUTTERS  
Aw, that's icky.**

Wendy vomits.

**DR. MOUSE 1**  
**I see.**

**DR. MOUSE 2**  
**Yes, I see.**

**DR. MOUSE 3**  
**I see, too.**

**DR. MOUSE 1**  
**Clearly, this child has a mutated strain of the flu virus. A tough regiment of antibiotics and bed rest, with round the clock IV fluids, should do the trick.**

**DR. MOUSE 2**  
**Yes, definitely.**

**DR. MOUSE 3**  
**You're all going to be better very soon. You'll see!**

The three blind doctors congratulate each other and then walk out, but not before smacking more of the children with their walking sticks.

Satisfied, Cartman rolls his pants back up and goes back to eating his jell-o.

**CARTMAN**  
**And that, class, is how it's done. You assholes really should be taking notes on this stuff.**

The class looks on in horror.

INT. AUDITORIUM – SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY

The auditorium is in an uproar. The students are panicked. The teachers are panicked. Off to the side, Principal Victoria is on the phone. Mr. Mackey and blind Mr. Patton are with her.

**PRINCIPAL VICTORIA**  
**(into phone)**  
**Okay, okay, Governor. I understand. Thank you.**

She hangs up.

**PRINCIPAL VICTORIA**  
**Okay, that was the governor. Apparently, the doctors have figured out that it's just a particularly virulent strain of the flu. The school is going to remain under quarantine until they can get us a supply of flu shots. I'll need to get in contact with as many students' parents as I can to obtain consent to administer the shots. That's going to take quite a bit of time. Mr. Mackey, I'll need your help with that.**

**MACKEY**  
**Mmkay.**

Mr. Garrison runs in like a maniac.

**GARRISON**  
**(out of breath)**  
**Principal Victoria! Principal Victoria!**

**PRINCIPAL VICTORIA**  
**It's okay, Mr. Garrison. They've figured out that it's just the flu. Everyone's going to be fine. Just go be with your class.**

**GARRISON**  
**You don't understand. That blind kid... he...**

**PATTON**  
**That blind kid?**

Mr. Patton swings his walking stick and slaps Garrison in the leg.

**GARRISON**  
**Ow!**

**PATTON**  
**Are you calling blind people retards?**

**PRINCIPAL VICTORIA**  
**Here we go...**

**GARRISON**  
**What?**

**PATTON**  
**Yeah, I see, metaphorically speaking. He's blind.**

**MACKEY**  
**Actually, literally speaking. He's literally blind, mmkay?**

**PATTON**  
**Oh, that's rich. I suppose when he talks about the rest of his class being out sick, he calls them "the Jew" and "the fat fuck" and "the retard, cripple, mutant fetus, piece of shit".**

**GARRISON**  
**Will you shut your fucking mouth for one god damn minute?! We have a problem. Regis is dead. His dog killed him and now it's loose in the building.**

**PRINCIPAL VICTORIA**  
**Oh, my god.**

**PATTON**  
**That's not possible.**

**GARRISON**  
**Don't tell me it's not possible, I saw it with my own eyes.**

**PATTON**  
**Seeing eye dogs are trained from birth to be non-violent. They're incapable of attacking humans, especially the ones they're meant to serve. The eyes can be fooled. Are you sure you saw what you think you saw?**

**GARRISON**  
**God dammit, yes!**

Darth explodes through one of the walls of the auditorium and immediately starts eating children and teachers alike. Terrified screams erupt. Patton flails around with his walking stick.

**PATTON**  
**What? What's going on? I can't see! I can't see!**

To be Concluded... (seriously, though, fuck Anderson Cooper)


	3. Chapter 3

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY – DAY

With the quarantine still in place, Anderson Cooper reports.

**ANDERSON COOPER**  
**Anderson Cooper, here, outside South Park Elementary, where we're slowly getting more information. I spoke to the local sheriff, a Sheriff Barbrady, who told me quote "go fuck yourself" unquote. I then spoke to a representative from the Mayor's office, who issued the following statement: "We're a small town and we don't want you fucking media assholes harassing our citizens on national television during this time of crisis". Powerful, powerful, stuff. Now, we're gonna head out to Kathy Griffin, live from the home of one of the children we've identified as being at the center of this crisis.**

EXT. MCCORMICK HOUSE – DAY

Kathy Griffin, who has a beak like a woodpecker, pecks at the McCormicks' front door as Kenny's family barricades themselves inside.

**STUART**  
**Just go away!**

**KAREN**  
**Why won't she leave us alone, Daddy?! Why won't Kathy Griffin just leave us alone?!**

**KATHY GRIFFIN**  
**Is your son dead? Is your son a rotting, festering, corpse? How does that make you feel? I'm Kathy Griffin. I was on Seinfeld. I'm friends with Anderson Cooper. Is your son dead?**

She pecks at the door and the windows. Stuart shoots at her with his shotgun.

**STUART**  
**Die, you bitch! Just die!**

INT. HALLWAY - SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY

The hallways is empty, but trashed. Some of the lockers have been shredded by claws. Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, and Mr. Garrison are huddled together. They carry makeshift weapons; a piece of wood, a plastic hockey stick from the gym, and a stapler. They peek around the corner.

**PRINCIPAL VICTORIA**  
**The office is just over there.**

**GARRISON**  
**We know that. We've all worked at this school for more than ten years.**

**PRINCIPAL VICTORIA**  
**Oh, right. Because of the crisis, all the cell phone towers have been overloaded, but there's a land line in the office. We can call for help.**

**GARRISON**  
**Again, we all know that already. You don't have to use expository dialogue to explain it as if we were unaware of the plan we most likely already discussed.**

**PRINCIPAL VICTORIA**  
**Right. Sorry.**

**MACKEY**  
**I don't see the dog.**

Out of nowhere, Mr. Patton jumps out.

**PATTON**  
**Are you sure you see what you think you see? The eyes can be fooled.**

**GARRISON**  
**Let's find out.**

Mr. Garrison pushes Patton into the middle of the hallway. He is immediately attacked by Darth and pulled into the shadows to be mauled like an animal.  
**  
MACKEY**  
**Look at that. I didn't see what I thought I saw. My eyes were fooled.**

**GARRISON**  
**Run, now, while it's eating that blind douchebag!**

They run to the office and lock the door behind them.

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY

A HAZMAT truck arrives carrying flu vaccinations.

**HAZMAT LEADER**  
**Okay, let's get those flu vaccines loaded up and ready for transport into the building.**

A HAZMAT Officer carries over a phone.

**HAZMAT OFFICER**  
**Sir, we've re-established contact with the inside.**

**HAZMAT LEADER**  
**(into phone)**  
**Hello?**

INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE

Darth pounds on the door. Principal Victoria, Garrison, and Mackey have barricaded themselves in by moving the desk in front of the door. They are huddled under the desk.

**PRINCIPAL VICTORIA**  
**You have to help us. There's a vicious dog trying to kill everyone.**

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY

Behind him, we see a crowd gathering around the school for some reason. They carry protest signs and make a ring around the perimeter of the building despite local authorities' attempts to hold them back.

**HAZMAT LEADER**  
**A vicious dog? My god! We're sending in help right away.**

The HAZMAT Leader hangs up the phone and signals to his men.

**HAZMAT LEADER**  
**Load up, we also have a vicious dog on the loose. It's terrorizing everyone inside.**

**HAZMAT OFFICER**  
**Sir, we have another problem.**

**HAZMAT LEADER**  
**I don't have time for this. What now?**

**HAZMAT OFFICER**  
**We're not sure how, but word leaked about the flu vaccinations, and now Jenny McCarthy and a group of concerned parents have surrounded the building with a picket line.**

HAZMAT Leader observes the protestors. Jenny McCarthy, and her beach ball sized boobs, leads them.

**JENNY MCCARTHY**  
**Educate before you vaccinate! Vaccines cause autism. We won't let you ruin these children's lives!**

HAZMAT Leader runs down to the picket line.

**HAZMAT LEADER**  
**Dammit, woman, there's a wild... dog... on the...**

He's mesmerized by her massive tits.

**HAZMAT LEADER**  
**...we have to... I... what was I saying?**

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM

The children sit and stand around Cartman's room glued to the television. They are all hooked up to IV antibiotics.

ON THE TELEVISION

Anderson Cooper reports out front of South Park Elementary.

**ANDERSON COOPER (V.O.)**  
**And now it appears that Jenny McCarthy and a group of protestors have surrounded the school and are refusing to let anyone inside.**

**STAN**  
**Jesus Christ, dude. I mean, Jesus fucking Christ.**

Jenny McCarthy steps into the shot with Anderson Cooper.

**ANDERSON COOPER (V.O.)**  
**Thank you for taking a few minutes with us, Ms. McCarthy. Now, your blockade of the school is to try and keep them from administering vaccines to the children inside, is that correct?**

**JENNY MCCARTHY (V.O.)**  
**That's correct, hun. You see, vaccines have been proven to cause autism in children.**

**ANDERSON COOPER (V.O.)**  
**And what about the thousands of doctors who have come out and said that vaccines save thousands of lives every year? And the mountains of evidence that supports not only the fact that vaccines don't cause autism, but also that you are a giant fucking slut, with no medical background whatsoever, whose celebrity derives from hundreds of thousands of dollars of unnecessary plastic surgery that promotes the most vile of self-image stereotypes on young women everywhere, and also that you're famous because you sucked lots and lots of cock?**

**JENNY MCCARTHY (V.O.)**  
**Um...I...**

Taken aback, she waves her tits in his face.

**ANDERSON COOPER (V.O.)**  
**I'm gay. That's not going to work on me.**

**JENNY MCCARTHY (V.O.)**  
**Ugh, you're a faggot is what you are! Fuck you, Anderson Cooper.**

**ANDERSON COOPER (V.O.)**  
**Not with a thousand dicks, Jenny McCarthy.**

Cartman laughs.

**STAN**  
**This is funny to you?**

**CARTMAN**  
**Pretty fuckin' funny, yeah.**

**KYLE**  
**Dude, we have to do something. The whole school is trapped in there with that dog.**

**STAN**  
**This has got to stop.**

Stan walks out of the room.

**CARTMAN**  
**Where the hell is he going?**

INT. WAITING ROOM – HOSPITAL

All the parents of the "sick" children await word from the doctors. Dr. Gouache and the three blind doctors enter.

**RANDY**  
**Doctors, are our children going to be okay?**

**DR. GOUACHE**  
**All their tests came back clean. They appear to be virus free.**

**SHEILA**  
**Oh, thank god.**

**DR. MOUSE 1**  
**And that's what concerns us.**

**GERALD**  
**What? Why?**

**DR. MOUSE 2**  
**Because their symptoms haven't changed. When the children were admitted to the hospital, none of them had a fever, were vomiting, or had swollen throats, all symptoms that would point to the flu. We just examined them again, after prescribing heavy duty antibiotics, and nothing has changed. They still have no fever, aren't vomiting, and don't have swollen throats.**

**DR. MOUSE 3**  
**We must have missed something. There's something here we... we just aren't seeing... metaphorically speaking.**

**DR. MOUSE 1**  
**I'm afraid, at this point, we've given up all hope. Your children are all going to die.**

The parents gasp.

Stan enters, followed shortly by Cartman and the rest of his classmates.

**STAN**  
**No, we're not going to die, you assholes. We were never sick.**

**CARTMAN**  
**Stan, you don't have to do this.**

**DR. MOUSE 2**  
**Yes, little boy, you are.**

Dr. Mouse 2 smacks Stan in the head with his walking stick.

**STAN**  
**Ow! No, we weren't. We faked it, because we didn't want to go to school, because that blind kid's dog attacked Kenny and we were afraid it was going to attack us, too.**

**SHARON**  
**You faked it?**

**CARTMAN**  
**I didn't. I was really sick.**

**KYLE**  
**We sprayed ourselves with water, put the thermometer next to a lightbulb, and chewed up some corn flakes to make it look like we threw up.**

**BUTTERS**  
**We're sorry.**

**DR. MOUSE 3**  
**But, little boy, your friend Kenny wasn't attacked. He had an allergic reaction to...**

**STAN**  
**He didn't have a god damn allergic reaction! He was attacked by a vicious animal. Look, I get it, you want to be respected doctors and it's tough, being that you're disabled. But you guys are blind. You're fucking blind. We were faking it. We lied. Cartman taught us how.**

**DR. MOUSE 1**  
**But... he shat in our face.**

**KYLE**  
**That's right, he did. But he didn't do it because he was sick. He did it because he's a fat fucking liar. We're all liars. We all shat in all your faces. We're sorry.**

The parents look stern.

**RANDY**  
**You are grounded, Mister.**

**SHEILA**  
**You, too, Kyle.**

**STEPHEN STOTCH**  
**You're double grounded, Butters.**

**STAN**  
**Fine, whatever, but now you've got to tell them they don't need to vaccinate everyone in the school, so Jenny McCarthy will let them inside, so they can kill that dog.**

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY

Military helicopters pull the bio cage off of the building. Armed men with guns rush inside.

INT. VARIOUS LOCATIONS – SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY

Armed soldiers race inside. They check every classroom. They rescue scared students and teachers everywhere they look. They rescue Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, and Mr. Garrison. No sign of Darth, but one soldier is startled and shoots a random woman walking the hallways. He taps his earpiece.

**SOLDIER**  
**Sigourney Weaver is down. Over.**

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY

Anderson Cooper reports as children and teachers finally get to leave the building.

**ANDERSON COOPER**  
**And as things finally quiet down here, in remote South Park, Colorado, let it be known that, for some, things will never completely return to normal. And there are still so many unanswered questions. How will the families we tormented during this crisis move forward? Why is Jenny McCarthy famous? She's just some PlayBoy whore. For that matter, why am I? And will anyone ever hold the media accountable for reporting a bunch of god damn lies? For CNNNNNNNNNNNNNN, I'm Anderson Cooper. Good night, America.**

Anderson Cooper pulls down his pants, turns around, and shits into the camera.

SUPER: 2 WEEKS LATER

EXT. MARSH HOUSE – MORNING

Stan lies in bed, bags under his wide open eyes. He's clearly terrified. His alarm clock rings and he immediately turns it off.

**SHARON (O.S.)**  
**Stanley, time to get ready for school. First day back.**

Sharon enters.

**STAN**  
**Mom, I don't want to go to school.**

**SHARON**  
**Oh, honey, I know you're scared. But everything's going to be fine.**

**STAN**  
**But, they never caught Darth. I'm scared he's still there. I'm scared he's gonna eat me.**

**SHARON**  
**The authorities have swept the school dozens of times. They've assured us it's safe. But don't worry, all the town's parents got together, and we've decided to take precautions.**

**STAN**  
**Precautions?**

**SHARON**  
**That's right. After what happened to your friend, Kenny, we're all scared for you, too. We don't want you to get eaten by a dog. So, we contacted someone who advised us how you can protect yourself.**

CUT TO:

INT. CLASSROOM

Mr. Garrison walks in and heads straight for his desk.

**GARRISON**  
**Okay, children, welcome back. I know it's been two weeks since...**

Garrison turns around and sees that every child in his class has a pitbull on steroids seated next to them. All the children look absolutely terrified and shake from fright in their seats.

**KYLE**  
**Help... Us.**

Butters cries.

**GARRISON**  
**Where the hell did you all get pitbulls from?**

CUT TO:

TELEVISION ADVERTISEMENT

Soft piano music plays. We see images of pitbull puppies playing in fields, licking children's faces, and acting generally silly. The picture then moves to a storefront where we see... Michael Vick.

**MICHAEL VICK**  
**Hi, I'm Michael Vick, and here at Michael Vick's Pitbull Palace, we raise our pitbulls from young puppies to be compassionate, happy, dogs that make great pets for you and your family. They're perfectly safe, but also protective, and so they're the perfect dogs to keep your family safe. Remember; pitbulls don't kill people, people with pitbulls kill people.**

Darth leaps into the shot from out of nowhere and mauls Michael Vick to death. The other pitbulls eat the scraps.

The End.

Thank you for reading. (What do you want, a medal?)


End file.
